Image source – Austrian National Library. Salzburg Festival 1946
What is the answer to Rape Culture?
Hanging! Jailing! Suspending! Expelling! can’t be the only answer to Rape Culture
The post #MeToo world has learned to brace itself when it encounters a Trigger Warning. It’s a sign. And it’s a sign we know well. We anticipate the incoming outrage, exasperation and disappointment.
As I scrolled through, there it was- a blitz of screenshots from a group calling itself the “bois locker room”. School boys. An Instagram group. Demeaning, humiliating comments. Minor girls. Morphed photos. Photos lifted from private accounts. You get the picture.
Every generation comes bearing a new face of sexual harassment. This is ours.
“bois locker room” is an embodiment of patriarchal entitlement and toxic masculinity wrapped up in insta-friendly language. No sooner was the group exposed, that a bois locker room 2.0 sprung up urging members to create fake profiles. The flagrant violation of these young girls’ privacy, to say nothing of trust and security, is deplorable. The reduction of their whole identities to sexual objects is galling. I try to reach for better words, wishing there was a nicer way of putting this. But why must I? The truth really is that ugly.
From the MMS scandals of early 2000’s to the online trolling of now, the targets of harassment have always consistently been womxn. Many were surprised at how young the perpetrators were. Many more weren’t. The existence of such groups was an open secret for a long time. The question of “How did this happen?” cannot be viewed in isolation. One doesn’t just turn 17 and choose to take part in activities that violate and threaten personal safety (I haven’t even mentioned the part where they threaten retributive sexual violence). Neither do we need reruns of Crime Patrol to fire our imagination on this one.
Like us, they’ve perhaps grown up being exposed to men and women participating in anything from casual sexism to gender-based violence. And as much as schools and parents think otherwise, no it’s not just pornography.
From birth, different sets of expectations are imposed on the sexes. The boys are allowed to be loud, rambunctious, opinionated, explorative- just a few of many privileges. They’re taught not to cry and encouraged to express a small subset of emotions. When some choose to settle their hurt with aggression, they’re looked upon indulgently. The infamous “Boys will be boys” trail many of their experiences. Over time, it’s learnt that an angry man is better received than a sad man. Meanwhile, the same environment tells women to speak less, assert less, be less. Listen more, smile more, tolerate more.
Women are told that “this is destiny” “men are like that” “girls mature faster than boys”. In each of these instances, women are expected to be the passive recipients of whatever the system doles out. To ignore or forgive the faults of men, if not compensate for them. Crucially, we learn that there is no accountability for the actions of men. However, the forbearance of womxn and activation of shame, is taken for granted. Some cultures hold a pride of place for the honour police- the upholders of the system. But most make do with concerned parents, nosy uncles and aunties, sniffs of disapprovals and threats of complaints.
Should it really surprise us then that in this culture of male entitlement, groups of school boys feel comfortable bullying, body-shaming and objectifying their female classmates? Or that they might potentially grow to become twitter trolls sending abusive, hate-filled messages to women who turn them down? They are products of the same system we’ve grown up in and continue to live and work in.
There’s been considerable debate on what’s to be done.
Hang them! Jail them! Suspend them! Expel them! are (shockingly) not the only answers here. As the start of this piece indicates, repair work needs to start young.
Boys can’t be lounging around, when girls set the table or help out in the kitchen. Either it’s both in (preferably) or both out. Can we discard “big boys don’t cry?” Can we teach empathy and emotional skills to both boys and girls? Can parents demonstrate by working together on care tasks (cooking, cleaning etc.) Children pick up on discrepancies, you can’t preach one, while practicing another. A clear discouragement of any form of violence, commenting on bodies or sexualizing individuals without consent is necessary.
Bring sex-ed to school! Emphasise the importance of consent to both male and female students. Safety is not the responsibility of girls/womxn alone. Emphasise the importance of boundaries, upholding and respecting them. Safe sex practices and understanding sexuality as on a spectrum needs to be taught to all. Empower them with accurate information.
Similarly awareness of abuse- emotional, physical and sexual is important. Cyber-bullying is an important component. Victim-shaming in the form of “you should’ve known better” is a strict no-no.
The way we talk about gender-based violence needs to change. ‘16 year-old girl harassed on Instagram group’ makes it sound like it’s predominantly a women’s issue. It should read- ‘16 year old boys harass on an Instagram group’. Put the onus where it belongs. It’s a choice being made to harass or assault, and one needs to highlight that the prevailing culture emboldens several men to actively make this choice.
When any individual indicates discomfort (verbal/non-verbal) with a situation, it’s not an invitation to argue with them about why they should not be feeling that way. That’s not the point. Be supportive. Similarly when individuals talk about their experience of being harassed, try to listen. That’s not the time to tout #NotAllMen. Because the reality is that inadvertently many of us find ourselves participating in a culture that abets misogyny. #NotAllMen in that case is a rather bold claim to make.
Accountability can’t begin and end with a police encounter, as demonstrated recently in India. This is no fix for rape culture. Bois Locker Room isn’t just an Instagram group, it’s the world we live in. A good place for us to start? Our homes. We after all, have generations-worth of unlearning to do.
About the author-
Meghana Devotta is a therapist at Kaha Mind. She’s interested in the intersection of gender, identity and mental health. A big fan of neighbourhood libraries, coffee and Fleabag.