In the world of romance, there is a twisty, turny phenomenon making its rounds, and it’s called relationship churning. Ever found yourself plucking petals off a flower, wondering, “They love me, they love me not”? Relationship churning takes that childhood game and turns it into a full-blown, life-sized drama. It can be a wild ride, so buckle up because we’re about to unravel this special journey.
Here are 5 things to know about relationship churning:
1. What’s Relationship Churning Anyway?
Relationship churning is a bit like trying to perfect that old dance move – you know, the one that involves stepping in, stepping out, and doing the cha-cha. It’s an on-again, off-again shuffle of breaking up and making up, many times in a row… and the rhythm just keeps playing on. And yes, it also includes having sexual relations with an ex after a breakup (oops!). It’s a puzzle, it’s a dance, it’s a GPS that’s convinced U-turns are the way to go!
Information about this concept might be a bit sparse, but back in 2013, a study uncovered an interesting nugget: Over a third of the couples who decide to part ways end up getting into the relationship churn. And here’s the kicker – one out of every five married couples find themselves caught in the whirlwind of relationship churn too. Another study revealed that this constant back-and-forth can transform breaking up into the emotional equivalent of trying to hold water in your hands – tricky, and extremely difficult, which negatively impacts relationship satisfaction and increases uncertainty about the future of the relationship.
2. Why Do We Keep Spinning in Circles?
So, why do we subject ourselves to this heart-spinning cycle? It’s like we’re drawn to chaos, right? Well, it’s not that simple. Relationship churning often happens because we’re attached – emotionally, mentally, physically, even. We’re scared of letting go completely, fearing the unknown world beyond the relationship. Or we believe that our partner has changed after the breakup, because “this time really feels different”. Add to that, social norms that have convinced us that being single might be the worst thing that could happen to anyone– all of it can keep us hanging onto the roller coaster ride, even when our stomachs are “churning”.
A big reason why these relationships continue to be sustained is when the partner(s) come to associate love with intense fights and passionate reconciliation. Imagine it like this: you’re not just in a relationship; you’re in a relationship that’s become a bit like a dopamine vending machine. Those fights? They’re like the times when you hit that lever, and your brain gets a hit of excitement and frustration. But then, just when you’re feeling drained and dizzy, the “on again” comes along and you feel like you’re finally getting your hands on that sweet, sweet dopamine dose. Suddenly, all those fights are worth it. Some can feel attracted to this roller coaster- the euphoria can mimic that of getting a drug after withdrawal symptoms- and can easily be confused with love.
3. “WE WERE ON A BREAK!” What do break-ups mean in relationship churning?
Relationships can start churning due to a lack of clear communication. Even after a breakup, staying physically close might signal reconciliation to one partner, but to the other, it could mean detaching emotionally while fulfilling physical needs. Sometimes, a breakup can feel more like a breather, especially if the relationship has been a series of on-again, off-again moments. It’s like two people reading different chapters from the same book.
However, it’s not a closed door for improvement. Reconciliation and a healthy relationship post-breakup is possible, but it hinges on addressing the original concerns. Without that, any change might just be a temporary façade, and hope for improvement could be in vain. So, while fairy tale endings are a thing, they need a plot twist: a little work on the underlying issues for a real shot at Happily Ever After 2.0!
4. How do we spot the signs?
So, how do you figure out if you’re stuck in the whirlpool of relationship churning? Keep an eye out for these unmistakable signs:
- Your arguments are stuck on repeat, like a song you can’t get out of your head. You might find yourselves going in circles, discussing the same issues without any real resolution.
- Breakups feel temporary. You’re back together before you even have time to miss them. It’s as if there’s an irresistible force pulling you back in, no matter how determined you are to stay apart.
- Those emotional rollercoasters. Remember, genuine connection requires more than just a series of highs and lows.
- Your friends have mastered the art of the eye-roll every time you mention your partner’s name – they’ve seen this movie before. They’ve heard the script, seen the plot twists, and they’re just waiting for the next episode to air.
- You’re getting serious déjà vu because the same old problems are making a guest appearance, no matter how hard you try to show them the exit. It’s a frustrating cycle of hoping things will be different this time, only to find yourself right back where you started.
5. Breaking the Cycle
If you’re nodding along and recognizing these patterns, it might be time to pause and reassess the ride you’re on. Breaking free from relationship churning might seem as easy as untying a stubborn knot, but it’s a step towards liberation. Here are a few steps that could help:
- Take a step back and get a reality check, especially when you find yourself stuck in that loop of déjà vu. It’s a sign to take a real breather and assess the situation. Look at the recurring patterns and on-off cycles. Sometimes, we’re so deep in the woods that we might also need an outsider’s perspective to navigate our way out.
- Take some time to have a heart-to-heart with yourself. Is this whirlwind really aligning with what you envision for your relationships? Reflect on what genuinely makes you content and fulfilled. And let that guide you forward. That might mean having straightforward conversations with your partner about where it’s all going. Or sometimes, it might mean taking a step in a different direction.
- Ask yourself, “What are the needs that this relationship is not meeting right now?” By doing so, you’re not only understanding your own needs better but also recognizing where the current relationship falls short. It’s about setting the record straight for yourself. Here’s another question to ask– “What would need to change in order for this relationship to work for me?”. Reflect on whether that change seems realistic, and whether both partners are motivated towards it.
Like untying a stubborn knot, it requires patience and a steady hand. So, take that step back, ponder your path, and remember that sometimes, choosing to release the rope can lead you to a newfound sense of freedom and much-needed stability.
Remember, it’s not about cutting ties; it’s about untying knots that bind you to a cycle that’s leaving you dizzy. So, grab that emotional roadmap, set your course, and find your steady ground – your heart deserves it.
Until next time,
Kaha Mind