I took 16 years to commit to an identity

Sixteen years ago, one bright afternoon, I walked into a tattoo store. I was still in college and had saved up some money. I was sure of getting one inscribed – I wanted something at my ankle. As I walked in, the tattoo artist asked me – “Do you have something in mind?”

Art by Vivian Mineker

It was a straightforward question, but it left me stumped. I did not know what I wanted. I flipped through his portfolio and stayed confused. I walked out while telling the artist I would come back later. Many years later, my roommate went on vacation, and got a tattoo at her neck. She was excited; “you should get one too”, she told me. It was a simple statement, but it sent me into a spiral – I could not understand how someone knew exactly what they wanted. I was never sure and every time I questioned myself I hit a wall which reminded me that there was a void beyond the wall.

As years went by, I continued to contemplate the idea of a tattoo. Sometimes, I imagined a tattoo at the nape of my neck, sometimes I imagined one at my wrist. Sometimes I wanted a plain old butterfly, and sometimes, I did not want something that was common. I wanted something unique but could never define what was unique.

I took many years to realize what the wall & the void and my indecision meant. I live with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), while I did not know this 16 years ago, the symptoms have been defining my living all this while. BPD is a mental illness marked by a pattern of emotional instability, extreme mood swings, and impulsive behaviour. An inconsistent identity is one of the core symptoms of BPD.

Art by Vivian Mineker

I spent several years questioning my sense of self and finding an identity to associate with. A lot of times I felt empty and had to fill the emptiness with a random identity. I realized that I mirrored the person I was interacting with. When I was with someone loud, I experienced high energy, and when I interacted with a brooding person, I became sad.

All this while, friends went from thought to design to implementation. I saw dragonflies, birth dates, lovers’ names, quotes, and some abstract symbols or characters. A particularly patronizing & paternal designer friend once told me, “You should know what you want. I will design it only then.” I smiled at the interaction. If I knew who I was, life would be a lot easier. It was hard to be constantly reminded of the fact that I was empty inside. I constantly felt I was pretending to be someone I was not. And what I was, was a bottomless pit of empty.

I took a while to understand that identity is something we build. I did not know the whys or hows of how I was feeling and what I needed to do to fill the void. When I started therapy, my first realization was that this was a chance for me to start from scratch. I had led a life so far, and based on that life, I had to build myself an identity I could stick to. I went back to the values that I hold dear in my life, values of freedom, that helped me define who I was. Instead of fearing the emptiness, I just had to live my life based on my beliefs to start filling my void.

I got a tattoo last year – a quote which defines my mental illness. I cried at the end, since it meant that after more than a decade, I was committing to an identity. I was on the path to recovery.

Swetha’s tattoo 🙂

About the author-

Swetha Dandapani is a communications professional who writes and creates videos. In recent times, she has been trying to communicate more about mental health issues.