Hands of fate or er, Retrograde

How do you function when everything seems to be working against you?
Mercury’s in retrograde, and apparently – so are you.
Before you read further, I’d like you to pause and reflect. What do you do in these moments of quiet desperation?
I know it’s hard.
You’re doing what you can to create well-being. Something’s off, though. You can’t catch a break.

One of my truths: I’ve been feeling this way for a while now. Several separate things; those that further collided and conspired to hit me – all at once. It was scary, because in all my moments of dejection, I never once considered an option so bleak – yet, seemingly sound. One night, as I wept silently into my pillow (I was too cowardly to do anything drastic) – I decided to look for help on the internet. I hit a web browser in incognito mode and typed something to the tune of, ‘What to do when you feel like killing yourself?’ I clicked on one of the first pieces that showed up in the search results. It did the trick. I gained the slightest amount of perspective.

Fathoming that a) your brain could be going through chemical imbalances beyond your control, and b) real life is a complete joke is hard. There is no pretty way to paint this picture. (I’ve said ‘hard’ a few times, already.) More importantly – What, now? What do you do?

Pushing oneself out of something like this takes time. Joules! (Don’t do it alone.) You might want to dial a friend. You might wish to seek professional help. As fate would have it, around this time – I stumbled upon a dance/movement therapy (DMT) workshop that was to happen not far from where I live. All I required: 500 bucks to register, and two hours to ‘kill’. Well, seeing as I didn’t want to die anymore – it seemed apt.

The day of the workshop soon dawned.

I got to the studio on time, the interiors of which were stark but inviting. It reaffirmed that I had done the correct thing in showing up. The session: We danced, drew, hopped-and-skipped, shared things (if we wished), etc. All this happened in the company of strangers surrounded by tranquil tunes; it was a ‘safe space’. I won’t say I was left with a light in my eyes, henceforth. I did leave with something, though. Perspective (this word, again). I found a therapeutic measure I could get used to.

What’s my point?

You have to take a step. It could be anything. A little love-and-support goes a long way: You have to reach out to someone. It’s difficult to feel like there’s no one on your side and/or expect a loved one to reach out because they suspect something’s gone awry. They might, but the other possibility is frightening – they might not. Ultimately, the first step rides on you, however cumbersome it appears.

Fix You by Coldplay helped too.

When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

The lyrics resonate with everything I felt (then) and still do. That whilst feeling desperate, we’re capable of nursing wild hope too. It’s the most brilliant beacon, out there, friends.

HOPE.

About the author-

Deeply fond of black coffee, dawdling at bookstores and snail mail (receiving and sending) – Roanna Fernandes likes all things simple and somehow quaint. She hopes to open her own shop of curiosities, one day and fill it with all that she creates and curates.