Art by Vivian Mineker
When I first moved to Bangalore from Mumbai, I hadn’t anticipated how lonely I’d feel. A part of me knew I was leaving behind a community I’d nurtured for over two decades. But I assumed things would fall into place. However, the reality was so very different. I missed things like having random friends show up unannounced or how easy it was to make plans for the weekend. I was sad, angry and just really frustrated that the people I cared about were so far away. I see now that I’m not alone. So many people move to cities like Bangalore for work (and maybe the weather). But eventually feel incredibly home-sick, long for connection in some way and often deal with mental health concerns like depression and anxiety as a result of feeling isolated and lonely. But who knew that having a strong support system could play such an important role in a person’s life?
One study that I stumbled across was particularly insightful. This study conducted for over 80 years tracked participants’ physical health as well as mental health. One of the key findings of the study was that an individual’s relationships had a significant impact on their health – close and satisfying relationships were what made people happy. These relationships served as a buffer from life’s inevitable difficulties. Had a tough day at work? Come home and tell your sister all about it. Feeling slightly inadequate? Meet a friend for coffee and they’ll remind you about all the ways you’re a star. But in the absence of these connections, it’s not surprising that people like me feel so despondent.
Something I learned the hard way was how to proactively build my own community. I’ve realised that this is a problem people commonly face when they start working and move to new cities. Life changes, your responsibilities change too. You can’t sit around, in your college canteen and chat like you once used to. The constructs that forced you to invest time and energy in your relationships no longer exist. Even if you make friends at work, you’re probably focused on getting work done and then heading home to unwind.
I never had to make plans before because they’d sort of happen. Now suddenly it was time for me to step out into the world and find people who I could be friends with. John Cacioppo used to research loneliness till he died in 2018. Something he said in an interview struck a chord with me. He said dealing with loneliness is less about finding more people to connect with but about finding a few people that you can share something meaningful with. Something that both you and another person find to be valuable and purposeful.
I wasn’t sure how to implement this knowledge – going out and ‘finding’ friends seemed like a mammoth task. But I got some good advice from a friend – it’s all about trying, one day at a time. I hadn’t built my community of friends back home in a week or even a month, it had taken years! So feeling slightly less intimidated by everything, I headed to a camp, a few workshops and some events in the hopes that I’d find like-minded individuals to befriend. I stumbled my way through awkward, first conversations with a few people. Some of these encounters went extremely well and I hit it off almost instantly with a few people. Others went terribly, there were coffee meetings where I couldn’t stop checking my watch. But at the end of the day, I knew I was better off for having tried.
I’m still learning how to be proactive about this. Some days I’ll make the extra effort to initiate a conversation and other days I’m either too tired or too anxious to try. I keep telling myself it’s okay, I just need to take it one day at a time.
About the author-
Abisha Fernandes is a therapist at Kaha Mind. When she doesn’t have her head buried in a book, she can be found researching the latest health fad, curating the perfect playlist or talking to a friend about any/all of these things.