(TW: This article contains discussions of sexual trauma, stalking, grooming, and sexual abuse.)
Disclaimer: This article does not intend to speculate on real-life individuals and solely focuses on the characters and narratives as depicted in the show.
“Oh, you’re a victim. You mustn’t blame yourself. Good sentiment, but let’s be honest, the fourth or fifth time you’ve passed out and woken up with your dick in his mouth, you should probably think about not going back.” (Episode 6, Baby Reindeer)
Of all the haunting, devastating lines from Baby Reindeer (and trust us there are plenty) this was the one that stuck with us for days and weeks after the show. It echoes the feelings of hurt, shame and relentless self-blame that the titular Baby Reindeer and many survivors of abuse feel. These feelings don’t exist in a vacuum, they are a product of a social construct, an understanding of how victims shouldact.
An internalized belief system known as…”The Myth of the Perfect Victim (roll credits).
But first, who or what is a ‘Perfect Victim.’ Historically, they fit the archetype of a saintly innocent, vulnerable and completely blameless in all aspects of their interactions with their abuser. They must scream and shout for help, but if they fight back, they run the risk of it being seen as a “mutual fight.”
Essentially, an impossible ideal that we can see as deserving of support and sympathy.
The titular Baby Reindeer, Donny Dunn, could not be a better example of someone who doesn’t fit neatly into this mythical archetype. At several points in the story, we see him falter in taking the “right” course of action. He doesn’t report it soon enough. He’s had numerous conversations with his stalker, giving her free drinks, paying her compliments, taking her out for coffee and even following her home once. He doesn’t report the assault on Teri, doesn’t mention her history of this behavior and doesn’t set clear enough boundaries. His interactions with her are riddled with missteps, attempts to let her down gently and difficulty in setting firm boundaries.
But would it really have made a difference? Viewers were left confused and frustrated by Donny’s inaction and inability to take the “right” steps in this situation. This comes from our understanding of the norms of victimhood and our misunderstanding of trauma responses.
And this is where we need to talk about Darrien.
The fourth episode of the show is difficult to watch, with its raw and unflinching portrayal of sexual assault and grooming. It’s a story we’ve unfortunately heard too many times. A naive young hopeful, coerced and manipulated by someone who believes in you, the only one who can make all your dreams come true. We see this in Darrien’s actions, alternating between sexual abuse and acts of kindness, praising Donny’s skills and giving him brutal critiques.
This is also the fundamental mechanism underlying a trauma bond. Create emotional dependence through this back-and-forth cycle of abuse followed by affection. It creates a confusing and conflicting sense of dissonance. Feelings of fear and obligation are confused for love and loyalty. And this fundamentally impacts Donny’s ability to trust his judgment as well.
“You see… that’s what abuse does to you, you know? It made me this… sticking plaster for all of life’s weirdos.”
There are many conflicting feelings Donny is trying to make sense of. There is shame around the assault and a feeling that this makes him less of a man. There’s sexual confusion and an inability to process why he stayed or went back. In the face of trauma, he has what could be best described as a fawn response, also known as please-and-appease. Coined by Peter Walker, it is a response to a threat with attempts to accommodate and appease an abuser. It feels like a path to relative safety in a predatory situation, disconnecting from your own needs to avoid antagonizing your abuser. In Episode 8, when Donny goes back to talk to Darrien after everything, he can’t confront him. It’s possible that the fear and shame mixed with the need for acceptance, hasn’t gone away.
These dynamics are also visible in Donny’s interactions with Martha and Teri. The need to appease, the inability to set a clear boundary or experience a healthy relationship, the self-hate, the self-sabotaging tendencies. In a moment of painful self-awareness, Donny tells us “I hated myself so much more than I loved her (Teri).”
There are warning signs in his first few interactions with Martha but he brushes them off initially as nothing to worry about. After all, Martha as a “batty” older woman who gives him too much attention, doesn’t fit into the “perfect offender” archetype either. At several points, Donny, his coworkers, the cops, and even Teri underestimate just how much of a threat she really is.
“There was always a sense that she was ill, that she couldn’t help it, whereas he was a pernicious, manipulative groomer.”
Donny’s complicated relationship and interactions with Martha defy all we’ve been told to expect from a victim. He feels a whole spectrum of emotions for her from pity, empathy and care to feeling angry, scared and even obsessed with understanding her. In some ways, she is a manifestation of his shame and his reckless self-sabotage. Darrien’s abuse has become the metric to measure all subsequent abuse. Martha by comparison, is mentally ill and feels like a lesser offender.
“I just couldn’t lose myself in intimacy anymore. Now there were feelings involved, it all just felt too much.”
His relationship with sex and intimacy has fundamentally shifted after the assault. When he starts masturbating to the thought of Martha, it’s linked to his feeling of debasement, of seeing himself the way his abuser did. Trying to sever his mind from his body because the feeling of intimacy with Teri was too much to lose himself in.
There’s a reason that Baby Reindeer has captured the collective consciousness in the way it has. We’re complicated people and trauma affects us in complicated and contradictory ways. This show challenges our notions of a black-and-white, victim-villain binary. Martha is not a stock evil villain and Donny is not a perfect victim. And that’s the point, no one is.