We know that relationships can be quite a rollercoaster, right? Full of ups and downs; and twists and turns! While there are times in all relationships when one partner needs to take more of the load, things can get slightly more complex when one of the partners is struggling with their mental health. One of the most common mental health conditions happens to be depression. Unlike what we might assume, depression can affect anyone at any stage of their life. This means that it also has an impact on the loved ones of those who are experiencing depression. In today’s newsletter, we delve into the unique experiences and raw emotions that can come up when your partner is going through something like this, and how you can navigate these relationships with empathy and compassion.
Let’s start with the understanding that depression is not just feeling sad or down; it is a persistent mental health disorder that impacts a person’s mood, thoughts, and daily functioning. Recognizing the signs and symptoms of depression is crucial to understanding a partner’s experience. As renowned psychologist Kay Redfield Jamison stated in her book, “An Unquiet Mind”: “Mood disorders are sneaky creatures, hiding behind smiles and calm exteriors.” This means that it’s essential to recognize that depression is not a choice or a reflection of weakness but a genuine illness with far-reaching effects.
For a partner of someone dealing with depression, this can mean being prepared for a lot of things–
1. Emotional rollercoasters: One moment, you may experience happiness and warmth, and the next, you may find yourself navigating the depths of sadness and helplessness without understanding what went wrong. Witnessing your partner struggle with their inner demons can be heart-wrenching, as you may feel powerless and helpless at times in your efforts to alleviate their pain. In those moments, it may become crucial to recognise that you don’t have to fix your partner’s pain! Depression is not something that can be resolved through “quick fixes” or by telling your partner to “snap out of it”. Your role may just be to stay with your partner in their pain and offer a safe space. That helps more than you think (trust us, we know).
2. Changes in communication patterns: The lived experience of depression can be exhausting and isolating. This means that it can also affect how a person is able to communicate in the relationship. It’s possible that at times, you’ll notice your partner pulling away from conversations, seeming distant, or struggling to express their emotions. Depression can also significantly impact one’s libido and interest in physical intimacy. As their partner, even as you may be aware that these are the symptoms of depression, there will be moments where you might feel rejected or inadequate. In those moments, it might help to remind yourselves that your partner’s depression is not a reflection of their feelings for you. The persistent feelings of sadness and fatigue affect their ability to engage fully in the relationship and not the lack of love or interest.
3. Emotional Exhaustion: We can’t deny that it can be exhausting to constantly offer support while simultaneously trying to maintain your own emotional well-being. It is not unlikely to then find yourself feeling frustrated, helpless, or even neglected as your needs might have taken a back seat. Do you know what’s human to feel then? A sense of resentment and no, that doesn’t indicate a lack of love or care. In fact, being able to acknowledge these feelings and openly process them without judgment (towards yourself or your partner) may help you to find other constructive ways to resolve them than to get stuck in the cycle of abandoning your needs.
4. Adding the ‘Self’ in Compassion: Navigating a relationship with a partner who has depression requires cultivating compassion and empathy and we don’t only mean for your partner. Engaging in self-care activities, seeking support from friends and family, and setting boundaries are vital for maintaining your own well-being. Remember, you cannot pour from an empty cup and setting boundaries can also be a way to “continue the connection” rather than “rejecting your partner.” Similarly, don’t forget to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and gain a better understanding of the challenges they face. Patience, kindness, and empathy are your window to your partner’s experiences even if you haven’t personally experienced depression.
5. Grief: A common thread that you and your partner may experience is grief as you navigate losses that come with this condition. You may grieve for the person your partner may have been before depression. Your partner might also miss the carefree moments or the sense of purpose they may have held. Acknowledge the grief that you might be experiencing, it can help bring you closer rather than becoming the reason to push you away. Depression often can make one feel isolated and unworthy- so remember that presence, reassurance, and small gestures can make a big difference. “When feelings get big, think small”- The small victories can help infuse strength and intimacy back in your relationship.
None of this is to say- you have to do it all alone. Just as you would like to encourage your partner to seek therapy for their recovery, know that help and therapy are for you too. It might be what you need to manage your emotions and draw boundaries that support the relationship.
And finally, know that taking a step back is also an option. In any relationship, compromise and challenges are inevitable; whether they come through external situations, losses, different personality clashes, or your partner’s struggles. Staying and working through should be motivated by love and a genuine desire to grow together, rather than fearing what might happen if you leave. If your armor of self-care has been compromised, taking a step back or considering a break can also be a courageous act. Challenges shouldn’t define the entirety of a relationship, and love should always be a conscious choice!